For as long as I can remember I have been in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship, the relationship was as toxic as it gets. There were snide nasty comments, plenty of tears and ugly silent cries. I remember once smashing my phone because I was so angry and unsatisfied...An instant regret I might add - lets all take a second to thank phone insurance!
There were horrible diary entries, yelling, constantly telling my mother how much I hated it and how fed up I was, but deep down I still held a deep love for this relationship. Now I know that you can't normally fix broken relationships, especially the toxic ones - I had a strong determination to try though.
Oh wait, did I mention the relationship was with myself?
The last 9 years of my life have been a constant battle between my bodysuit and the girl who is stuck inside screaming to get out. I decided once and for all, it's time to set her free, she's had enough, she just wants to breathe! Emotional eating has a face, she wasn't always there I believe she waits in the shadows until one day you decide maybe you don't like your hair that day, then she pounces like a lion on a zebra.
You don't like your hair today? She makes sure you don't like your make up tomorrow and so the cycle begins.
When I was sad I normally trained, I was a healthy and athletic 16 year old minding my own business worrying about my GCSE's, she turned my love of training into a hatred so deep that I would feel physically sick at the thought of being seen at the gym, or in a class. My appearance seemed to alter, morphed into a person I barely recognised am...am I getting bigger? No. Of course I wasn't, I was an average weight for my height, but SHE made me see differently everyday.
She told me that it didn't matter if I ate a little more because I'm sad, so its allowed, chocolate makes everything better. You want seconds? Go for it kid its not like you're ever going to need to get a boyfriend anyway, may as well eat what you want. Oh you feel slightly out of control? Eat a couple of packs of crisps, just make sure no one is watching, no one wants to see a fat pig eat.
This face has stuck with me for 9 years, 9 WHOLE fucking years. I buried the person I was and adopted a new imposter to serve as the overweight, unhappy coating because it was easier than trying to break free. Recently I have put things into perspective I have my whole future ahead of me, 9 years is more than enough time for me to wallow in self pity and waste my time trying and failing at life. I want to succeed, I want to be happy...
I want to breathe.
The coating has cracked, I'm starting to live my life, I want a future, a home, a child. This blog and its name serve a purpose to me, they tell me that every single breath I take is an achievement, every single inhale is me getting my mind into focus and every single exhale is me getting rid of the old toxins I held so tightly. I have a plan, a mission and for the first time in a long time I am aware of my breathing, my beating heart, my body.. I don't hate myself, I just hated the person I became; a food addict, a worthless person. I have realised I only have one body, one soul, why do I want to harm that?
Deep breaths my darlings, I'm breaking free.
A x
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