Letting go of the past, that can be difficult.
I have had so much happen in my life, I let negativity take over what I really wanted, what I dreamed of. I never thought I was capable of change even when I was trying, I guess you could say I am a self saboteur, I wanted myself to fail, and I have to ask myself why?
I ask myself that question everyday and I never had an answer, either that or I didn't want to find an answer. I was unhappily content with the life I lead but now I know that I am worth so much more, I know that I am capable of achieving whatever I want to achieve and so are you!
If any of you are feeling as though you aren't worth much then please change your mind set, every single one of you is worth the world, you are all stunning people and if you have a dream, chase it!
Baby steps my darlings, that's all it takes. Right now I have my mind focused on small changes, one of those changes was creating this blog, I am so happy that I did, now I get to share my feelings with a community of people who understand how it feels, not only that but I can finally feel like I am apart of something great. I have sat down and thoroughly thought out the realistic changes I can make within 12 months, making sure my goals are achievable is important to me simply because I know that if they are realistic then I can 100% commit myself to making damn sure that they are carried out. The following list are my 12 month goals, these are all things I know I can handle, so I have no excuses if I fail, they may seem like nothing but trust me when I say these are things I normally avoid, don't prioritise or think about but never actually do it from lack of confidence.
1. Pay off my biggest debt in January
2. Pay to get my passport renewed
3. Buy a standing ring light
4. Look for a new house
5. Pay off my holiday
6. Find a new job
7. Join a gym
8. Meal prep & eat healthier
9. Pay for driving lessons
10. Lose 60lbs
I have given myself 12 months but some of these will have to be done before hand e.g. My holiday is in July. The majority however I am hoping to achieve within the next 12 months, I know all of these are achievable and I know that with effort and dedication I will sail through them without failing. Let me know if any of you have small goals, maybe its paying off a loan, or buying a car, I would love to know.
A x
Saturday, 9 December 2017
Wednesday, 6 December 2017
Every Single Breath
For as long as I can remember I have been in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship, the relationship was as toxic as it gets. There were snide nasty comments, plenty of tears and ugly silent cries. I remember once smashing my phone because I was so angry and unsatisfied...An instant regret I might add - lets all take a second to thank phone insurance!
There were horrible diary entries, yelling, constantly telling my mother how much I hated it and how fed up I was, but deep down I still held a deep love for this relationship. Now I know that you can't normally fix broken relationships, especially the toxic ones - I had a strong determination to try though.
Oh wait, did I mention the relationship was with myself?
The last 9 years of my life have been a constant battle between my bodysuit and the girl who is stuck inside screaming to get out. I decided once and for all, it's time to set her free, she's had enough, she just wants to breathe! Emotional eating has a face, she wasn't always there I believe she waits in the shadows until one day you decide maybe you don't like your hair that day, then she pounces like a lion on a zebra.
You don't like your hair today? She makes sure you don't like your make up tomorrow and so the cycle begins.
When I was sad I normally trained, I was a healthy and athletic 16 year old minding my own business worrying about my GCSE's, she turned my love of training into a hatred so deep that I would feel physically sick at the thought of being seen at the gym, or in a class. My appearance seemed to alter, morphed into a person I barely recognised am...am I getting bigger? No. Of course I wasn't, I was an average weight for my height, but SHE made me see differently everyday.
She told me that it didn't matter if I ate a little more because I'm sad, so its allowed, chocolate makes everything better. You want seconds? Go for it kid its not like you're ever going to need to get a boyfriend anyway, may as well eat what you want. Oh you feel slightly out of control? Eat a couple of packs of crisps, just make sure no one is watching, no one wants to see a fat pig eat.
This face has stuck with me for 9 years, 9 WHOLE fucking years. I buried the person I was and adopted a new imposter to serve as the overweight, unhappy coating because it was easier than trying to break free. Recently I have put things into perspective I have my whole future ahead of me, 9 years is more than enough time for me to wallow in self pity and waste my time trying and failing at life. I want to succeed, I want to be happy...
I want to breathe.
The coating has cracked, I'm starting to live my life, I want a future, a home, a child. This blog and its name serve a purpose to me, they tell me that every single breath I take is an achievement, every single inhale is me getting my mind into focus and every single exhale is me getting rid of the old toxins I held so tightly. I have a plan, a mission and for the first time in a long time I am aware of my breathing, my beating heart, my body.. I don't hate myself, I just hated the person I became; a food addict, a worthless person. I have realised I only have one body, one soul, why do I want to harm that?
Deep breaths my darlings, I'm breaking free.
A x
There were horrible diary entries, yelling, constantly telling my mother how much I hated it and how fed up I was, but deep down I still held a deep love for this relationship. Now I know that you can't normally fix broken relationships, especially the toxic ones - I had a strong determination to try though.
Oh wait, did I mention the relationship was with myself?
The last 9 years of my life have been a constant battle between my bodysuit and the girl who is stuck inside screaming to get out. I decided once and for all, it's time to set her free, she's had enough, she just wants to breathe! Emotional eating has a face, she wasn't always there I believe she waits in the shadows until one day you decide maybe you don't like your hair that day, then she pounces like a lion on a zebra.
You don't like your hair today? She makes sure you don't like your make up tomorrow and so the cycle begins.
When I was sad I normally trained, I was a healthy and athletic 16 year old minding my own business worrying about my GCSE's, she turned my love of training into a hatred so deep that I would feel physically sick at the thought of being seen at the gym, or in a class. My appearance seemed to alter, morphed into a person I barely recognised am...am I getting bigger? No. Of course I wasn't, I was an average weight for my height, but SHE made me see differently everyday.
She told me that it didn't matter if I ate a little more because I'm sad, so its allowed, chocolate makes everything better. You want seconds? Go for it kid its not like you're ever going to need to get a boyfriend anyway, may as well eat what you want. Oh you feel slightly out of control? Eat a couple of packs of crisps, just make sure no one is watching, no one wants to see a fat pig eat.
This face has stuck with me for 9 years, 9 WHOLE fucking years. I buried the person I was and adopted a new imposter to serve as the overweight, unhappy coating because it was easier than trying to break free. Recently I have put things into perspective I have my whole future ahead of me, 9 years is more than enough time for me to wallow in self pity and waste my time trying and failing at life. I want to succeed, I want to be happy...
I want to breathe.
The coating has cracked, I'm starting to live my life, I want a future, a home, a child. This blog and its name serve a purpose to me, they tell me that every single breath I take is an achievement, every single inhale is me getting my mind into focus and every single exhale is me getting rid of the old toxins I held so tightly. I have a plan, a mission and for the first time in a long time I am aware of my breathing, my beating heart, my body.. I don't hate myself, I just hated the person I became; a food addict, a worthless person. I have realised I only have one body, one soul, why do I want to harm that?
Deep breaths my darlings, I'm breaking free.
A x
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)